To Blog Or Not To Blog?

The decision to create a blog about my experiences with MF and my upcoming transplant was made with some trepidation and I had to really consider my reasons for doing so. The internet is a powerful thing, but not always in a good way. For me, the first days/weeks/months after being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease was a powerful, brutal and draining experience. It was a time I felt exposed and incredibly vulnerable. It was a time where I was craving solace. I was scrambling for someone or something to tell me that everything was ok and that I was simply overreacting. My partner Nicole was there with me in the trenches, offering incredible support and giving me a shoulder to cry on. Yet of course, she knew as much as I did when it came to understanding the gravity of our situation.

Chasing information about my illness via the internet threw me in the deep end. Googling ‘myelofibrosis’ for the first time is a minefield, full of damning statistics and descriptions of broken families. The many hours I spent on search engines only served to provoke my vulnerabilities. Despite the countless pages dedicated to MF, I was provided with only fleeting moments of consolation. The internet is a powerful tool, but it can also be greatly alarming and unempathetic during those defenceless early days.

Because of these experiences, I feel great responsibility in providing this blog, since some visitors to this site will have just had their life flipped upside down. Being respectful of other people’s circumstances doesn’t mean that I will just stay in the shallow end, painting a rosy picture and telling readers that the journey won’t be as bad as they think. That would feel hollow, contrived, and it’s simply not how life works. Cancer is never a smooth sail and I need to acknowledge that.

Yet that doesn’t mean that it’s a continual downward spiral either - I’ve been lucky in this context. The first weeks after diagnosis were horrible, but the seven years afterwards were undoubtedly the most fulfilling and richest times of my life so far. There were still incredibly challenging days throughout, but this time of my life enabled me to become a deeper and more unguarded version of myself. Not everyone will be so lucky, but at least I can share some experiences that guided me along the journey and helped me feel peace with the world.

Of course, my personal experiences won’t resonate with everyone. It’s impossible to provide something that will connect with each and every reader. That’s not really my main intention anyway. My intention is simply to share my story to those who are interested. But in the process I need to be respectful to those who are in the trenches, as well as to myself. For me, this means being authentic, staying open and never shying away from difficult feelings and experiences.

This is my pact to myself.

Dane.